More jokes from the archive. I’ve deleted some 150 e-mails so far and there are only a few thousand left to go - so keep checking back!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I am 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance.” Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “I’ll make you a deal. I will take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you. But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed.”

Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

Ha ha ha! Terrible humor, but funny!

This e-mail has been sitting in my mail folder for almost a year. It’s called, “They Walk Among Us,” and it refers to the many completely clueless people that are out there in this world. For those of you that have seen the movie Idiocracy, this is the beginning of the end!

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again…same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
—— They Walk Among Us

I walked into a Mickey D’s with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said “buy one-get one free.” “They’re already buy-one-get-one-free”, she said, “so I guess they’re both free” She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
——They Walk Among Us

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”
——They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, “Oh I don’t keep up with that stuff.”
—— They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”
—— They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
—— They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
—— They Walk Among Us!

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?”
—— They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”
—— They Walk Among Us!

The sad thing is that we all know people like this…dummies.

As I am cleaning out some old e-mails, here is a joke that was forwarded to me a few months ago. There is an anti-Muslim connotation in the joke, but it’s one of those jokes where you can replace “Muslim” with any religious denomination (Roman Catholic, Jewish, Protestant, etc). Anyway, when you look at it for just being a joke, it’s pretty funny.

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond. The Amishman shouts: “Trink das Wasser nicht. Die Kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.”

(Which means : “Don’t drink the water the cows have shit in it.”)

The man shouts back: “I’m a muslim, I don’t understand. Please speak in English.”

The Amishman says: “Use two hands,.You’ll get more”!

Enjoy!

My Mother sent this information to me in an e-mail the other day. I got a kick out of reading it and imagining myself and my friends doing this stuff randomly! Enjoy!

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it ‘In’.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘ For Smuggling Diamonds’.

7. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy’.

8. Don’t use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity… Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called…therapy.

Ha ha ha!

Thanks goes to GGL for sending me this joke. Hopefully you enjoy!

Halloween Story

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone fro m emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Seth Rogen has done it again - he brought humor back to Saturday Night Live! If you haven’t seen it, you have to check out his impersonation of Rowlf from the Muppets. Andy Samberg helps out with an impression of the Swedish Chef (complete with “Schmorgadsborg” comments). Absolutely hilarious! Well, at least I got a kick out of it!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Enjoy!

Another funny e-mail from my Mom - I got a good laugh out of this, maybe you will, too!

Maybe I shouldn’t give you some of these, but here goes:
Investment tips for 2007 For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2007.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally …

9. Victoria ’s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBang Bang

FOX News debuted a show a few weeks (months, really) ago called the Half Hour News Hour. It’s a right-wing take on the Daily Show, Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update, and the Colbert Report. The show has absolutely dominated its competition in its time slot on cable news. Yet it gets universally panned by critics.

Seems about right!

Listen folks, the hard truth of our world is that television programming is DOMINATED by programming from the far left and the liberal point of view. It just is. Anyone who watches Jon Stewart on the Daily Show and doesn’t think that the show has a huge liberal bend is just batty. And quite frankly, the humor that Jon Stewart spews is no more “factual” than the humor that the hosts on the Half Hour News Hour spew. Both shows tell fake news as real news, but only Stewart’s news is actually taken as fact by the brainwashed young masses…

And this is a fair blog - the AM dial is completely controlled by the right wing pundits, as is most talk radio. Do those hosts tell the complete truth? Well, sometimes, but they certainly have an agenda that they are pushing - that’s clear.

What I find really saddening about the media universally bashing this FOX News comedy show is that it proves things that the brainwashed masses just don’t want to admit. For example, this show is, in fact, a success and by NOT admitting that in their reporting, the major media sources show their anti-FOX bias. Remember, we’re not talking about the USA Network or network television channels like NBC or CBS where getting 1.4 million viewers is a miserable failure. This is a cable news channel. CABLE NEWS!

Make no mistake about it - to draw in numbers like that for a half hour comedy show is impressive and a huge success. But don’t expect to see that fact put out there in the mainstream media…that would ruin their obvious falsehood that the show is a failure for the right-wing and the FOX News Channel! If you want to watch a funny half hour of television, then check out the Half Hour News Hour. Is it the funniest 30 minutes on television? Absolutely not - check out Scrubs or the Office for that! But is it better than the 50+ “Bush is an idiot” jokes that you’ll get on the Daily Show and the “President Bush is Stupid” jokes you’ll get on Weekend Update?

Absolutely. And don’t believe just me - the numbers speak for themselves!

Ha ha ha ha ha! Some of the funniest jokes are some of the simplest and most direct. Here is a joke that my Mom sent me that I got a nice, quick laugh out of. I hope you do, too!

The Diamond Bracelet:

A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t popup right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! That’s good stuff right there!

Well, this is incredibly creepy…

A Greeting from Dead Silence

For those of you that don’t know, we’ll be reviewing Dead Silence on JerseySmarts.com in the coming week. Be on the lookout - this film will scare you like none other!