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Book Review: I Had the Right to Remain Silent… But I Didn’t Have the Ability

Monday, January 11th, 2010

As an avid reader, I always like picking up full autobiographies or books where interesting people write about themselves and their experiences. A while ago I was at the Barnes & Noble and I picked up “blue collar” comedian Ron White’s mini-autobiography/comedy book I Had the Right to Remain Silent… But I Didn’t Have the Ability. I gotta tell you, this is a pretty funny book.

A large portion of the book is Ron White’s stand-up act transcribed into the written word. You have to watch his act once or twice to understand his pacing, but if you understand his pacing then you’ll be able to read through the comedy bits relatively quickly. And even though I’ve heard White perform most of this material before, I did find myself laughing out loud two or three times at some of his jokes. Fans of White’s comedy will surely enjoy reading his jokes almost as much as they enjoy listening to him deliver them.

The book intersperses pieces of White’s comedy routine between pieces of his life story. And it’s an interesting story to say the least. I don’t want to give away any of the more entertaining parts, but I think the story of White going to Mexico to work on some sitcom was pretty entertaining (in a sick sort of a way). Also, the stories also show how White has depended on his friendship with Jeff Foxworthy to help him break through some of the stigmas that were attached to him due to his drug use. White heaps a ton of praise and thanks on Foxworthy and it comes across very clear to the reader that White attributes a great deal of his success to his friendship with Jeff.

Overall, I think that this is a good book for the price. You can probably find it in the bargain bin at your local Barnes & Noble for a few bucks. So if you’re looking for a very quick, very cost effective read that will also give you some laughs while telling a great human interest story, then you’ll want to pick up a copy of Ron White’s I Had the Right to Remain Silent… But I Didn’t Have the Ability. Enjoy!

Posted in Book, DVD, Movie, & Media Reviews, Jokes & Humor | No Comments »

Holiday Humor – The Christmas Party Memo

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

My apologies on this entry coming in WAY later than originally anticipated. Better late than never, right? Anyway, on with the post as I prepared it…before Christmas!

Over the years different variations of this joke have crossed by my inbox. The latest variation was sent to me the other day by my Mom and I got a kick out of it (again) and thought I should share! Actually, this is a longer version of the joke that I received in the e-mail, so I think that an extended version of the fake e-mail chain would provide some extra humor.

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE
ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party — the days are so short this time of year — or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band’s breaks. Okay???

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day.

Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care…I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now! > HA !

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Posted in Jokes & Humor, Winter & Christmas Time | No Comments »

A Quick Joke About Sesame Street’s Tickle Me Elmo…

Monday, December 14th, 2009

One of my old fraternity advisors sent me this joke in the e-mail the other day and I got a kick out of it. I’m sure that it has a few different variations, butI thought that this variation was pretty funny.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

See, I got a kick out of that one the other day. I hope that you enjoyed it, too!

Posted in Jokes & Humor | 1 Comment »

One Teacher’s Take on Obama’s “Socialism”

Friday, November 20th, 2009

Every once in a while I receive a forwarded e-mail that either makes me laugh out loud or makes me smile at the overall point of the message. I received one of those e-mails this morning from a friend of mine who happens to be a town councilman. Take a read for yourself:

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that Obama’s socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, “OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama’s plan.” All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D!

No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Anyway, I got a kick out of that really direct message on one person’s take of Obama’s economic plan. Enjoy!

Posted in Jokes & Humor, United States Politics | No Comments »

News About Our Pears From The CSA Farm…

Sunday, September 20th, 2009

Either I did eat or I almost ate a worm that was in one of the pears from the CSA farm. Damn it! I bit into the pear a little while ago and there was a brown spot so I spit out the piece of pear in my mouth. Then, upon further review of the brown spot, there was a small little thing in there moving around. I couldn’t tell if this was the front end or the back end of a worm, but I knew the damn thing was moving!

I think from now on when I go to eat the pears from the CSA farm I’ll cut them up first!

In other news, one of my roommates made a pear pie with the pears. I suggested that he try to make a pair of pear pies. Since he used four pears for the pie, I told him that if he’s using a pair of pears for the pie then if he tried to make a pair of pear pies each using a pair of pears, it would be the perfect use of the produce.

Sorry…had to.

Posted in Jokes & Humor | 2 Comments »

Random Thoughts for a Monday

Monday, August 17th, 2009

One of my buddies down in Nashville sent me an e-mail the other day that had “random thoughts” in it. I got a kick out of them, so I thought that I would share the e-mail with you folks. Enjoy!

Random Thoughts of the Day:

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.