Have you gone Christmas card shopping yet? If not, then it might too late what with it being Christmas Eve and all. But, if you’re in my demographic (normal, regular 30 year old male), then be forewarned – today’s Christmas cards are nothing less than absolutely miserable. Honestly, I’m not sure what the problem is with Hallmark or Carlton Cards or any of the card makers, but most of the Christmas cards that I perused this holiday season were nothing short of totally miserable.

The biggest problem that I ran into this year was finding a decent set of Christmas cards for my family. Specifically, finding a good Christmas card for my older brother was particularly annoying. I managed to luck out getting a card for my younger brother since he was born on Christmas and the dual Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas cards are pretty simple and don’t leave much room for awkward messages. But finding a card for my older brother was unbelievably annoying.

The problem wasn’t the design of the cards – I don’t care about that and I probably wouldn’t know a “good” looking card from a “bad” looking card anyway. The problem was the message written within these cards. Most of the messages read something like this:

Dear brother,

I know that we don’t particularly care for one another, but this is Christmas so why don’t you keep your bullshit to yourself and not ruin it? Okay? Great. Thanks.

Merry Christmas

Here’s the best part – I’m not even exaggerating that much with the message! Honestly, most of the brother-to-brother cards were within this vein. They either referenced an inner hatred and disgust of one brother to another or a history of muted emotions between the brothers. What type of messed up society do we live in that greeting cards for one of the happiest holidays of the year are reduced to anger-filled messages from one family member to another? It’s outrageous!

If I want to take jabs at family members, I’d rather just go to Bald Guy Greetings and get them a card from that website. At least they’d know that there was some humor behind the message – not just an angry message written by someone at Hallmark who is bitter because they come from a broken home.

This Christmas season I began looking for cards the day after Thanksgiving and wound up looking in two Hallmarks, a Walmart, a Target, Kohl’s, and K-Mart before I found a decent Christmas card for my older brother. And it wasn’t too much easier to find a nice card for my Mom, either. Most of the cards referenced how the son was a complete screw-up for most of their lives and it was only by the saving grace of their Mother that they are able to function in society today. Again, what type of maladjusted weirdos do the greeting card companies have working for them? Whatever happened to a simple “Merry Christmas” message? Or what about, “Merry Christmas, Mom. I hope you enjoy the day!” I mean is it that hard to take the anger and angst out of these messages?!

Anyway, I hope that this isn’t a widespread problem. Did you have any trouble getting Christmas cards this year? Here’s hoping that next year is a little bit less bitter for the greeting card companies!