Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML

Ha ha ha!!! Who shits in a library book?!

The “FML” at the end of each quip is the person saying “Fuck My Life!” If you go to the site, you’ll see that there are two options for the readers to vote on the various FMLs – either you can tell the person that their life really is fucked (in other words, whatever they’re writing about really is a shitty situation) or you can tell them that they deserve what they had coming to them. For example, this person deserved what they had coming to them:

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo’s name is Kanga, and why her son’s name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn’t until today. I’m 47. FML

See? Who couldn’t figure that out?

You also have the option of writing a comment on the post and it appears that some people really get into some back and forth spats in the comments. Anyway, here are some other quips from the site that I got a kick out of:

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

Today, my little cousin came to visit my family. I haven’t seen him in a while so I figured he missed me. Thinking so, I tried to hug him. While going in for the hug, he punched me in the balls and called me a faggot. FML

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

Today, I was at walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong she said that I’d “killed her nose”. FML

Go over and check out the site – I guarantee that you’ll enjoy it!

hey my name is jill im 28 and i like to hang out and meet new ppl i am with the most wondful guy name bob he my life and now i be came a wondful aunt and she also my lil gurl(tanisha) i love her with all my heart. i have 6 tattoes i have 3 priceing

How can anyone write something so incredibly stupid, look at it, and say, “Yes. That’s what I want the world to know about me.” Are you serious?! “I am with the most wondful guy.” Really? Wondful? Is this a new word that I wasn’t alerted to? Wondful? Couldn’t squeeze out that “er” could you? Idiot…

Oh, and this “wondful” guy means a lot to you because “he my life.” He my life?! What? Couldn’t manage to pop out an “is” or “completes” or “enhances” or any word at all? Moron…

Hold on, folks. I have to go vomit.

Back.

But wait! Not only is this guy that this moron is with “wondful” but apparently she, herself, is a “wondful” aunt! Oh, how marvelous!? A “wondful” aunt who has a “wondful” guy on her arm. Life is awesome!!!

And not only is she a “wondful” aunt, but she loves her “gurl.” Really? Your “gurl?” Just couldn’t manage to push the key located directly next to the “u” on the keyboard, huh? Dummy…

However, for me the best part of this drivel – the part that forced me to write this post – was the last line where this “wondful” dummy writes, “i have 6 tattoes i have 3 priceing.” No shit? You have 6 tattoes, huh? And what exactly is a tattoe? Is that a tattoo on your toe? If so, why does one need six of them? But better yet, what is a “priceing?”

Many, many years ago I worked for PathMark in the Price Integrity Department. My job was to put the prices up on the shelves. Some people said I was pricing the items. However, this dummy “have 3 priceing.” So, clearly, what this dolt is talking about doesn’t match what I used to do for a part-time job. Hmmm… Perhaps she meant to say that she has three piercings? Nooo… NO ONE could be so stupid that they write “priceing” and mean to really write “piercing.” Right? RIGHT?

Folks, I put this up there because a bunch of my friends (and readers of this blog) are beginning to have children. That’s great. Kids are awesome. However, please, please, please stay on top of your child’s education! No, I’m not suggesting that you become one of these overprotective parents who don’t allow their children to form their own personalities. What I AM suggesting, though, is that if you do not keep an eye on your child’s education and do as much reading to your child as possible in their early, formative years, then you may wind up with the moron that we see above.

The moral of the story is to read to your child and to get them engaged in reading and writing early on in life. You wouldn’t want them growing up thinking that their life is “wondful” when it could be wonderful.

ESPN and ABC Sports broadcast the games and subsequently used SportsCenter to present the soccer tournament as if it was the most important thing to American sporting enthusiasts. The games didn’t even envolve America in any capacity. Yes, I know, soccer is a great game and you just have to try it and it is so fascinating and all of that shit. Great. I’m glad a small portion of people enjoyed the games, I’m sure you really went wild when that one goal was scored over 3.5 hours- but that doesn’t mean that I should have to sit and watch six minutes of highlights proceeded by 4 minutes of analysis by some British guy because ESPN wants good ratings for games that, to the vast majority of the American public, are meaningless.

The fact of the matter is, I, nor could most people name a single player that participated in the entire tournament. Is there still a Ronaldo out there? Was he in it? A word to ESPN, just because you decided to climb into bed with FIFA doesn’t mean you have to shove it down the viewing public’s throats like it was the fucking Super Bowl. Enough already.