Over the years different variations of this joke have crossed by my inbox. The latest variation was sent to me the other day by my Mom and I got a kick out of it (again) and thought I should share! Actually, this is a longer version of the joke that I received in the e-mail, so I think that an extended version of the fake e-mail chain would provide some extra humor.

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE
ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party — the days are so short this time of year — or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band’s breaks. Okay???

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day.

Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care…I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now! > HA !

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

See, I got a kick out of that one the other day. I hope that you enjoyed it, too!

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that Obama’s socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, “OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama’s plan.” All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D!

No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Anyway, I got a kick out of that really direct message on one person’s take of Obama’s economic plan. Enjoy!

Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML

Ha ha ha!!! Who shits in a library book?!

The “FML” at the end of each quip is the person saying “Fuck My Life!” If you go to the site, you’ll see that there are two options for the readers to vote on the various FMLs – either you can tell the person that their life really is fucked (in other words, whatever they’re writing about really is a shitty situation) or you can tell them that they deserve what they had coming to them. For example, this person deserved what they had coming to them:

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo’s name is Kanga, and why her son’s name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn’t until today. I’m 47. FML

See? Who couldn’t figure that out?

You also have the option of writing a comment on the post and it appears that some people really get into some back and forth spats in the comments. Anyway, here are some other quips from the site that I got a kick out of:

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

Today, my little cousin came to visit my family. I haven’t seen him in a while so I figured he missed me. Thinking so, I tried to hug him. While going in for the hug, he punched me in the balls and called me a faggot. FML

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

Today, I was at walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong she said that I’d “killed her nose”. FML

Go over and check out the site – I guarantee that you’ll enjoy it!

First Pay Check
Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time and conversation.

Kind of brings a tear to the eye – doesn’t it?

Ha ha ha ha! Hilarious! Made me laugh – hope it brought you a smile, too.