This e-mail has been sitting in my mail folder for almost a year. It’s called, “They Walk Among Us,” and it refers to the many completely clueless people that are out there in this world. For those of you that have seen the movie Idiocracy, this is the beginning of the end!

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again…same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
—— They Walk Among Us

I walked into a Mickey D’s with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said “buy one-get one free.” “They’re already buy-one-get-one-free”, she said, “so I guess they’re both free” She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
——They Walk Among Us

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”
——They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, “Oh I don’t keep up with that stuff.”
—— They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”
—— They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
—— They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
—— They Walk Among Us!

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?”
—— They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”
—— They Walk Among Us!

The sad thing is that we all know people like this…dummies.

Just thought I’d add a comment that passed through my head this morning as I was driving to work. Do you ever find yourself in the left lane (the fast lane) and you’re moving along at a regular pace until you come to a car that is going about ten miles below the limit?

Happens all of the time in New Jersey (especially on I-195). Well, I understand that some people don’t drive as fast as others, but what always confuses me is that sometimes you get the person in front of you to switch into the slower, right lane and then they speed up! I generally coast along with my cruise control so I know that I don’t slow down - what gives?

When you are essentially bumped out of the fast lane and forced to switch into the slow lane, why the hell would you speed up in the slow lane?! Geez, if you had been going that fast to begin with you wouldn’t have been bumped into the slower lane!

New Jersey.

Anyone who lives in New Jersey knows that there are two kinds of police officers. The first (and more prevalent) type of officer is the man or woman who is out to do some good for his or her community. These are the folks who always wanted to be police officers and who always wanted to serve the greater good. The second (and more talked about) type of officer is the complete asshole. You know this guy - this is the one who pulled you over and got in your face just because he felt like it. This is the police officer who broke up your college party, but also punched three people in the face while doing so. This is the guy who stops you on the boardwalk and slams you down on the ground because there’s nothing you can do about. This is the prick with the snide comments while he’s writing you a ticket or standing outside of your car.

And this is the type of police officer that just cost Seaside Park $1,271,000. Wait - you think that’s bad? Here’s a clip from the linked article:

The borough’s insurance carrier, the Ocean County Joint Insurance Fund, has previously settled five excessive force claims for more than $1.5 million over the past 2 1/2 years. A total of 14 excessive force lawsuits were filed against the police department over the past three years.

Overly aggressive police officers have cost Seaside Park $2.8 million. I don’t know about you, but if I was the Mayor or the Chief of Police, I’d be going ape shit at my officers. In fact, I’d be on a firing spree. I don’t think you’ll find that in Seaside Park, though. If you read the article, it goes on to say:

The settlements have included no admission of wrongdoing by Seaside Park or its police department. The officers involved, and their attorneys, have strongly denied using excessive force in any of the cases. No officer has ever been disciplined for any action related to the cases.

So not only have these police officers cost Seaside Park almost $3 million in insurance expenses, but they’re not admitting that they’re wrong. Of course they are admitting wrongdoing via the huge payouts, but there is no official, “Hey, we’re sorry. Our bad.”

What a sad commentary on some of the people who get into law enforcement, huh? And the worst part is that not only are these the type of police officers getting headlines, but they are the only ones getting headlines, period. If the egomaniacs and those with Napoleon complexes would just get out of law enforcement, we wouldn’t have to deal with such aggravating stories.

But that’s New Jersey for you…

Just when you think that New Jersey can’t become a bigger disaster than it already is…surprise! The state has come in and screwed up once again. Only this time, not only does their mistake hit critically close to home, it actually contradicts previous decisions by state agencies and (most importantly) promises to destroy the open area that so many of us fight so hard to preserve.

Some of you may be familiar with the acronym COAH. In New Jersey, this means Council on Affordable Housing. This state is in so many crunches at once that it’s hard to keep a handle on all of the problems that are going on, but we are in serious need of affordable housing. For those of you that aren’t up to speed on what “affordable housing” means in New Jersey - this isn’t government housing, it’s not “the projects,” it’s not the place where the drug addicts live, etc. In New Jersey, a new term has come to take the place of affordable housing: workforce housing.

Believe it or not America, New Jersey’s workers cannot afford to live in this state. Nurses, young doctors, police officers, government employees, cashiers, retail managers, salesmen, waiters - no one can afford to buy a new home in New Jersey unless they come from a two income household that is making at least or above our state’s median income (roughly $67,000 depending on whose numbers you believe). New Jersey is not affordable for ANYONE.

The latest smack in the face comes as a one-two punch from Governor Money Bags and COAH and is directed at most non-urban areas in the state. Just last week Governor Money Bags told many of the smaller municipalities that they were having their state aid drastically reduced. As if that wasn’t bad enough, COAH has announced what they call “Round Three” requirements for New Jersey’s municipalities. Round Three will tell the state’s towns, boroughs, and cities how many units of affordable housing they need to produce.

Aside from Money Bags diverting even MORE money away from the suburbs, it would seem that being told what your affordable housing obligations are isn’t the worst thing in the world, right?

Wrong.

In Round Three many suburbs are facing an obligation that is QUADRUPLE what they were previously held accountable for. Take the case in my hometown of Roxbury Township. Not only does their COAH obligation jump from some 245 units to 837 units, but Roxbury was told by ANOTHER state agency that they can no longer build in the green areas of the township! What does COAH want to have happen here? Would they like it if the existing housing - which has stood for decades, even centuries - was knocked down so higher density homes can be put in their place? Completely outrageous!

Taken from the Roxbury Register article:

Councilman Richard Zoschak said this latest COAH proposal just causes more confusion and presents more contradictions.

“How do we deal with the Highlands legislation and this? The Highlands legislation says no building here. COAH says we have to build here,” Zoschak said.

Sustainable growth in New Jersey? Not a chance. Continued destruction of the non-urban areas so more money can be pumped into Newark and Camden? Absolutely! More from the article…

Smith faulted the state for having what he called “no coherence, no coordination and no central planning mechanism.”

“We are all being told what to do by different parties, all with power, and they all conflict with one another,” he said.

For those of you who do not live in New Jersey, let me explain how this state’s government “works.” COAH says that Township A needs to create 50 units of affordable housing. The Highlands Council says that Township A only has enough space to put up 5 single family homes. The State Planning Commission approves Township A’s master plan that cites no buildings may be built over 3 stories high. The Governor’s Office tells Township A to meet its COAH obligation or it gets no more state money.

What is the Township to do? They only have room for 5 more single family homes, but - assuming that these open lots are all next to each other (which is near impossible) - are they to build an extremely high density 3-story apartment building (in an area likely not zoned for apartment buildings) with extremely small, 600 square foot (if that) rental units so they meet all of the above obligations? Oh, and this would be built in a generic neighborhood setting where there are no apartment buildings and only single family homes. Oh, and for each apartment you need to provide one and a half parking spaces (in a residential neighborhood, mind you). Oh, and these are affordable units, which means they have to be income restricted and not just any citizen can apply to rent a unit. Oh, and with such a high density unit police, fire, sanitation, and civil services need to be increased (spending more taxpayer money). Oh, and Township A may need to create a housing authority (spend more taxpayer money) to oversee this complex.

Listen. I’m one of the many people in this state who NEED workforce housing to exist. I cannot afford to buy a decent home in New Jersey and - right now - I can only afford to pay a very low monthly rent. But if the plan above is Governor Money Bags’ idea of how to plan for MY future housing needs, then he can take this plan and shove it.

When will it stop in New Jersey?

Ugh - I hate to put up a post that is a reaction to a television show, but after watching tonight’s The Biggest Loser I had to put something up. Maggie and Brittany are a bunch of crybabies and complainers. These stupid asses don’t realize that this show is a golden opportunity. You do NOT go on this show, break your ass for a week in the gym, and then lose no weight like Maggie did tonight. It just doesn’t happen - the laws of nature don’t function that way. At one time I lost well over 100 pounds (before I consciously put it all back on because I got very lazy). I know the disappointment of not losing weight after a week of breaking your butt. But I also know that the reason why that happens is largely because you get horrible sleep during the week and you pig out when people aren’t looking.

These two fools aren’t getting away with anything - the entire world is watching and we know what the deal is!

Unfortunately, NBC is milking this show for everything that it’s worth so we didn’t get the opportunity to see who was last night’s biggest loser, but do we really need to know? Both Maggie and Brittany are the biggest losers on all of television right now. I don’t know who put the idea in Brittany’s head that a woman’s metabolism cannot, fundamentally, work as well as a man’s metabolism, but a slim, tone Ali threw that mindset into the can by winning the whole thing.

Week in and week out I watch this show and I wonder how much more overly dramatic these two dummies could possibly get, but then I remember that there needs to be some type of drama in this show or else some of the viewers will refuse to watch. For my part, I can’t wait for both of these complaining losers to get off the show.

And in case you’re wondering (probably not) - I’m hoping that either Roger, Kelly, or Dan wins this season.

Last month, The Esperanza was put on hold in Asbury Park. Some of you may remember this new luxury condominium building on the Asbury Park boardwalk as the place where rock n’ roll legend John Oates recently decided to purchase a vacation home. The development is put together by Metro Homes, who have been given 30 days to produce paperwork for the city before action is taken.

At this point, the folks in Asbury Park may be getting ready to see another steel skeleton on their beachfront. Most of this is probably due to the current housing crunch, but I have to believe that a great deal of the problems here are rooted in Monmouth County’s unwillingness to accept the fact that the housing crunch is here and that home prices must be lowered, period. There are homes in Monmouth County that were never worth more than $250,000 that eventually priced out at around $650,000. Mortgages were taken on these properties that are well above the $250,000 that these things are worth on today’s market and now the owners are stuck with a high-priced mortgage and a house that isn’t worth peanuts.

Having zero knowledge of the Esperanza development budget, I would wager that they needed to sell a certain number of condominiums before the construction really went into high gear and that they didn’t hit that number because of the downturn in the market. Hey, it happens.

And now we have another metal monster on the beachfront!

Yes, you read that right. The “victims” of Hurricane Katrina are suing the US Government for $3,014,170,389,176,410. In the written word, we’d call that three quadrillion, fourteen trillion, one hundred and seventy billion, three hundred and eighty nine million, one hundred and seventy six thousand, four hundred and ten dollars. This is absolutely disgusting.

I was among the first to say that the US Government really bungled the clean-up efforts with Hurricane Katrina. It was obvious and we all watched it happen on every cable news network.

However…

We watched BEFORE the storm as thousands of residents said they were not leaving their homes in New Orleans no matter what. We watched BEFORE the storm as local politicians allowed dozens and dozens of school buses to sit empty on school property as opposed to transporting out those residents who did want to leave. We watched AFTER the storm as roving street gangs fired gunshots in the air to ward off other street gangs. We watched AFTER the storm as residents who were given relief debit cards to buy food and clean drinking water spent that money on alcohol, Victoria’s Secret, and $100+ sneakers.

If this case isn’t immediately dropped as soon as it hits a judge’s desk, then I think the rest of America has the right to file a one hundred quadrillion dollar case against New Orleans. That’s right…one hundred quadrillion dollars!

This whole thing is so stupid it actually makes me sick.

A few weeks ago I read an article that decried the satellite radio business as not living up to its promise. No, not the promise of commercial-free content because that’s not what they are promising (except with music - Sirius promises commercial-free music and boy do they deliver). What I am referring to is the theoretical promise of satellite radio.

That promise is a marketplace where YOU can pay for services that are to your liking and receive them on a limited interruption basis. For the purposes of this entry, I absolutely believe that Howard Stern is delivering on the promise of specific content tailored to a certain demographic. His channels are not only the most listened to on all of satellite radio (including the higher-subscribed-to XM), but they actually have a variety of topics and personalities that appeal to a broad audience (you’d be surprised). I’ve personally become a big fan of Bubba the Love Sponge since I first heard him on Howard 101, but that’s a different story.

However, Howard Stern and his crew are NOT delivering on the promise of limited interruptions for this PAY service. I understand that the talk channels do have some degree of commercial interruption and that’s fine by me. Gotta pay the bills, right? But the commercial breaks on Howard 100 and Howard 101 are - at this point - out of control. And I stress “at this point” because this was not always the way it was on these channels. When Howard started on Sirius, he had such limited interruptions that they amounted to some 20 minutes or so on his first show and even that was just a musical break or two.

But today, not only are we (the paying subscribers) subjected to 10 minutes or more of straight non-original, commercial content, but we are subjected to this crap on an increasing basis. I should take this opportunity, though, to point out that my definition of commercial and their definition of commercial is almost certainly different. I define anything that is not original, live content as a commercial. And please, don’t try to use 3rd grade logic with me about how by my limited definition then all of the replays are commercials. That’s BS and anyone with an education higher than grade school should understand that concept.

When Howard goes to commercial and you hear some lead out garbage phone call or sound clip, that doesn’t count as original, live content for me. When it flips to Howard 100 news for 5 or 6 minutes, that is also part of my definition of “commercial” - as is the downright insulting “lead-in” when they are back from commercial break. Why is the lead-in insulting? Well, they generally play some song during the lead-in. That’s what I want from the talk channel…a song. A fucking song?!?! Are you kidding me? I have dozens and dozens of commercial-free channels and one of the few talk channels that I listen to is going to play a fucking song? What bullshit.

On a related note, I can’t tell you how amazingly arrogant and aggravating it is to hear him say with such concern that he and the gang, “have GOT to take a commercial break!” Alright, we understand that Stern has contracts with advertisers and he must live up to his end of the contract. But we’re not dipshits! We’re not stupid! He has these contracts in place NOT because management is forcing him to have a ton of advertisers; rather he has those contracts in place because he’s trying to maximize his profit potential. Any business student understands that and they, like me, are probably fine with it. The problem is that Stern is not living up to the theoretical promise of satellite radio.

In any event, the next time you are on a long trip in the car take out your watch and time how long it takes from Howard to say, “We’ll be right back,” to him actually talking on the air again. It’ll be ten minutes at least (if you can stick with it that long). This is not the promise of satellite radio. In some respects, all Howard has managed to do on satellite radio is re-create the terrestrial radio template. It’s sad. Is it enough to have me cancel my Sirius subscription? Well, I don’t think so - unless, of course, they don’t bring back Bubba the Love Sponge after his contract expires!

Earlier today, CBS News posted a story on their website about the FCC lifting certain restrictions on apartment buildings with respect to cable services. They cite the ability for low-income folks who live in apartments or government-sponsored housing projects to have a choice in their cable provider. In other words, the ability to choose a lower cost provider (which is great!).

As someone who works in an industry closely related to these large-scale, low-income developments I can tell you that the folks who live in these places need all of the breaks that they can get. If that means they can save $5 per month on the cable bill, then so be it!

And isn’t this logical? That competition for services SHOULD lead to a net decrease in costs? Well, not if you’re Comcast Cable. A spokesperson for the company said:

“The net result is that many consumers are likely to wind up paying more for services if the FCC’s interference in the competitive marketplace stands,” Comcast spokeswoman Sena Fitzmaurice said in an e-mailed statement.

Huh? Isn’t the “interference in the competitive marketplace” the fact that there is NO competition in these apartment buildings? For those of you that don’t know, many of these apartment buildings sign contracts with cable providers for the entire building, which restricts tenants to using that provider.

I mean come on! This is a no-brainer. For Comcast to come out and make the dumb comment that lifting this restriction will have a net result of higher cable prices for consumers is all sorts of idiotic. First of all, you have the logic argument cited above. Second, you have the fact that a rate increase is decided by the cable companies! In other words, you have cable companies saying, “If you take this action, we will be forced to raise rates. If we raise rates, then prices go up for consumers.”

Here’s an idea, dummies - DON’T RAISE YOUR RATES!

Idiots…

While I was watching Bill O’Reilly earlier he had a “Talking Points” memo about President Bill Clinton tearing apart some complete lunatic who was screaming the extremist mindset that 9/11 was an inside job. Bill O’Reilly’s compliments to President Clinton (and condemnation of Hillary) aside, I absolutely loved Clinton’s response to the whack job in the audience:

I’ve never been more proud of President Clinton! Good for this man! And I agree - how DARE the lunatics in this world say that 9/11 was an inside job. The problem here, folks, is that these idiot losers who are out there spreading these moronic lies used to be the people that you never saw out in public. Why? Because they generally live in their parents’ basement playing Dungeons and Dragons and cutting themselves all day.

Good for President Clinton! If this is his stance towards these extremist lunatics, then maybe it won’t be the end of the world when he moves back into the White House in January 2009!